|old photo from christmas past|
But life doesn't work that way, and I feel I've spent most of my life not satisfying the beliefs I had as a child, but rather disproving them all. There is no magic age, and no magic formula for ending the battles we so want to conquer.
Everyday is a choice. A choice to love that person you so despise, a choice to repent for the mistakes you've made and are bound to fall back into, a choice to place yourself in a socially awkward situation yet again. I keep thinking I'll somehow get over my social awkwardness, anxiety, and overall hermit-y personality.
However, I am rebuffed again and again. I find the comfort of solitude ever-present and even growing at times in my heart. It does get a tiny bit easier to make small talk with age, but realizing where I find comfort makes choosing the uncomfortable situations even harder.
The only respite I have had from these constant struggles is to choose the Lord first (as in, the moment your eyes open in the morning). The days I choose Him first, more things make sense then the days I don't. I'd think by my early twenties that would be engrained in my heart and my mind. But the struggle, the choice -- it's there everyday.
It's a reality that can be beautiful or devastating. Because everyday is turned into a battle or a walk in the park. I've been encountering a quote on Pinterest which has been quite a helpful way to wrap my mind around it:
"The bad news--
Nothing lasts forever.
The good news--
Nothing lasts forever."
Life is a paradox if I ever saw one.